- Chosen by Voters Well, you've got some solid ideas and strong points, but the sentence structure needs a lot of work and your pushing it a little bit. Its important that you keep focused around the central theme of why preserving and promoting ethnic diversity is important to develop our society, but talk more about that, and DO NOT BRAG. You have to choose if you want to talk about how the process of learning this language has contributed to who you are today or why you believe in the power of having a diverse community. BUT YOU CANT DO BOTH, the essay is disorganized. Also the wording. Sometimes its so vague and boring, and other times its forced and unnecessary. This essay is your voice, and colleges are looking to discover your character from this essay. This polar vocabulary only says to Rutgers that you are inconsistent and unoriginal. You are not out to exaggerate yourself in this essay, you dont need to tell the college everything you've done relating to France, that's not what there looking for (theres a reason they dont just have you bullet point it…) they want to hear your voice about something your passionate about and what you desperately want to share about yourself or what your goals are with the world. So… problems:1. DO NOT SAY "THINGS"… c'mon now, this is a college essay. 2. DO NOT use the same vocabulary as what was used in the question in the first sentence of the essay!!3. "It was designed to teach younger children from my community about the French culture" This sentence has absolutely no relevance to you and Rutgers could care less. 4. "It was a very positive experience that made my community more aware of this foreign culture"…. TALK MORE ABOUT THIS!!! what is this community? How were they impacted? stop with the bragging about what else you've done and talk about why what you've done has made a difference!! **specifics!5. "Therefore, I will always continue to brush up on my skills and hopefully have the chance to join a French club at Rutgers University in the fall." Very awkward sentence. 6. "Rutgers University will also give me the chance to meet people from other backgrounds and I can learn about their culture and history too". Weak sentence and unenthusiastic. 7. "Even from my window on the bus tour, I could see how ethnically diverse the campus is": and yet you fail to mention once about what makes Rutgers diversity different from any other college in the whole essay (your too busy talking about yourself!) Needless to say, this essay needs a lot of work. Good luck getting in, but you need to seriously reconsider this essay, I dont know a lot of colleges that would accept this. 3 months ago 100% 1 Vote 1 person rated this as good